The Masculinity Epidemic: Lessons in Manhood I Learned Too Late

You don’t know what you don’t know.

In honour of Men’s Mental Health Month and the incredibly evident scarcity of genuine masculinity throughout civilization as of present, these are my thoughts on something that’s become a pernicious echo that’s affecting everyone.

There are no shots to be taken here. It won’t do any good. Looking back with resentment at the past helps no one. It merely harbours low vibrational frequencies and pulls them forth to the present. Which directly conflicts with masculinity.

Here’s my definition:

Masculinity is the embodiment of man. A healthy union and balance of the masculine and feminine energies within oneself. A man cannot provide a safe presence and container for those around him if he doesn’t possess this inner harmony. The integration of both aspects is vital. In short, a real man should move with intention, bringing peace and love with him wherever he goes. Unfortunately, there are ‘evils’ within this world. A woman needn’t stand up to a man; that onus falls upon other men. Peace and love don’t mean docile, it means you show up and construct the container that embodies such frequencies. Not afraid of asserting boundaries, standing up for those in need, and using violence if absolutely necessary—this is never the goal, quite the opposite, but if the use prevents greater harm and destruction, act swiftly and accordingly.

Sadly, this is rarely observed in today’s society. What has become blatantly evident is men with unbalanced energies, polarizing within themselves, with dysregulation, resulting in tumultuous behaviour that typically equates to idiots pretending they’re big, bad, and tough or entirely docile with a wet noodle for a spine.

How could you expect anything else, though, when you have boys being born, raised, and conditioned by other ‘men’ that are entirely dishevelled and lack that inner harmony themselves. Now, let me be clear, not all men. There are beautiful souls doing their best to be better, to embody masculinity, and provide that safe container to all that they come in contact with. I’d honestly consider them pioneers given the fact that true embodiment, guidance and mentorship are seemingly nonexistent.

One day, I understood it. I saw it.

It took me 28 years to finally grasp what it was to embody masculinity. It happened towards the end of one of my relationships. Things were becoming very quickly mutually toxic and harmful. Reactive behaviour on both sides. Something that’s overrunning the world. But this is what I realized:

It starts with us. Men. As per science, our bodies are built to handle more stress. Women possess more grey matter within their brains. In short, men have more presence in the physical world, women have more presence throughout the divine. Then, factoring in a menstrual cycle and fluctuating hormones, all signs point to men needing to be the anchor. The great redwood tree, grounded, poised, and collected. That doesn’t mean suppressing emotion or being emotionally inapt. It means being able to regulate your nervous system and show up consciously, rather than reactively.

Unfortunately, this isn’t being taught. At least I sure wasn’t given any insight when it came to this. My father—bless his heart, did the best with what he had, as we all do—, definitely never got to observe true masculinity. He had to become a ‘man’ at a very young age, and that’s resulted in a lifetime of being your cliche, blue-collar, tough guy. Completely dismissing his feelings at times and living in a state that’s disturbingly far from balanced. To the point that it was awkward and uncomfortable for him to hug his son.

When you never witness the real and raw admission of emotion, when there’s a lack of integration of self, you’ll never be able to show up consciously and with poise. You’ll be indefinitely at the mercy of your programming and conditioning. Reactive, with something to prove or defend. Not being able to reflect, observe, and move forth with love and intention. It’s not possible from a sympathetic/reactive physiological state.

I realized it starts with me. I need to lead. I need to be the change that I want to see in the world. If it’s scarce, then let me shine as bright as the fucking sun so those that are drowning in darkness can catch a glimpse and realize that there’s a better way.

That only happens when you move with pure intention, with love. Understanding that it is not your job or role to force anything, but merely provide the infrastructure for others to flourish as well. If you can regulate your nervous system, then others have a much higher likelihood of being able to do the same. This requires genuine and expansive amounts of empathy—sometimes that empathy can look like turning a cheek or walking away from something or someone as well. After all, you’re not here to force anything. You’re here to embody. To lead.

From here to there.

There are fundamental differences between men and women. It’s beautiful and natural. Acknowledging these differences, respecting and appreciating them is key. Akin to masculinity, a woman cannot teach a man how to be a man, and a man has no place trying to teach a woman how to give birth. However, a woman can and should inspire masculinity. As men, we’re innately wired to protect and provide. She does this by simply embodying her nature as an embodied woman who also possesses the inner harmony of energies referenced at the beginning of this post.

There’s a better way. It took me nearly 3 decades because I was walking blind. I had no reference, no role model, no behaviour to model my own after. I had no idea what masculinity was. Only through needing to show up as a step-dad and be the grounding force, which provided the safe container, was I able to see it. Unfortunately, I only saw it as a result of my initial failure to do so, despite my best efforts. Which is exactly why the men who understand these principles need to begin speaking confidently on the subject, in tandem with embodiment through the things they choose to do, or not do—porn addiction, sleeping around, peacocking, domineering, are the furthest things from masculinity. Quite the opposite, really.

Many of the men who understand these principles and embody masculinity in a healthy way are typically in their own lane. Providing for their family and showing up with presence. Which leaves a lot of open space for fuckwits like Andrew Tate to corrupt and pollute the minds of young, malleable boys. Being intelligent and having a few intelligent takes doesn’t negate the fact that the underlying energy is fuelled by inferiority complex and lack, which is the furthest thing from harmony and love.

We move forward as men when we start having the real conversations. Acknowledging our emotions and feelings. Unpacking what’s going on internally. Understanding that leaning on others isn’t weakness, the vulnerability and ability to ask for help when it’s needed is a mighty strength. Brotherhood. Showing up for one another as needed. I’ve found from personal experience that it often doesn’t take much either. Simply having a man, a brother, that grounded presence there when you yourself are struggling to ground yourself, is all it takes. And most importantly, standing up for those in need, against the ‘evils’ of the world, against behaviour that is simply unacceptable. If not us, then who?

To be a man is to cry.

I could count on one hand the number of times I’d cried in my life up until I turned 27. After a decade of inner work and healing, I’d finally absolved enough of the trauma and programming that was inhibiting such a release. Not because I thought it was ‘girly’ or anything of the sort, I simply couldn’t. The connection to the softer sides of myself didn’t exist. Then one day, out of nowhere, I started bawling. I was reintegrating parts of myself that I’d spent a lifetime denying. It was confusing but beautiful.

Now, being 29, on the verge of 30, some time has passed since that experience. During which time, I’ve been actively working to integrate and understand things more deeply. This has allowed me to better understand myself and those around me. I’ve observed that in moments of great release and growth, I’ll often cry and shed a few tears at the more delicate sentiments and moments in life. Sometimes it’ll be further pieces of my inner child, being seen, felt, and understood, other times, utter gratitude for the magic, love and beauty of this world.

All of this to say that knowing yourself, knowing what you stand for, are vital ingredients in being able to confidently embody masculinity. Without a purpose or vision, without an understanding of who you are, such a thing wouldn’t be possible. Which can be incredibly daunting and smothering if you don’t have other healthy men to lean on. If there’s a lack of clarity within those realms, which is normal and natural, no person is ever supposed to know everything or understand what needs to be done—I all too commonly see men being crushed by pressures they’re putting on themselves.

Simply put, I’ll end this post with this:

Dear Men: You’re not alone. Emotion is not weakness. The world isn’t solely resting on your shoulders. You needn’t have all the answers right now. They’ll come with time. Show up consciously, presently. With love, first and foremost for yourself, then extend that to everyone and everything you come in contact with.

Beau Kuhberg is a mentor, psychology nerd, and social media strategist blending trauma-informed coaching with spiritual psychology and ancestral healing. His work bridges cutting-edge science with stories that help neurodivergent people build embodied lives, create real impact, and embark on a lifelong personal transformations. Follow him on Instagram here.